How Can Couples Rebuild Intimacy After Erectile Dysfunction?

Relationships change once erectile dysfunction (ED) is introduced. Thoughts that once felt spontaneous become stifling and uncertain. Relationships lack physical contact, and talking about sex is often anxiety-provoking for both parties. Each partner is often left to wonder what the other is thinking.

For a lot of couples, ED is less about dealing with issues of erection and more about coping with the closeness, confidence, and communication issues ED introduces into the relationship.

The good news is intimacy after erectile dysfunction won’t disappear for certain relationships. ED introduces the opportunity to get creative and find different ways of feeling intimate while taking pressure off sex. Relationships thrive when partners become comfortable with one another again, informed by remembering that intimacy is more than just sex.

Understanding the impact of ED in a Relationship

ED can disrupt the relationship between a man and his partner, even when the man is the only person experiencing the symptoms.

The man’s self-consciousness surrounding ED may be exacerbated by feelings of frustration and a perceived loss of attractiveness in his partner’s eyes. These emotions even lead men to avoid intimacy. Partners of men with ED may begin to ponder if the reason for the symptoms could be attributed to them, and may lose their sense of attractiveness as well.

This may lead to emotional depletion of the relationship.

One way this can show up is through a lack of deliberate initiation of physical affection. Each partner may become unwilling to create even more unwanted closeness.

It’s important to understand the relationship between ED and the men and women who are in relationships. For example, it may not be a lack of emotional connection, but rather a lack of commitment, caught in a cycle of uncertainty and avoidance.

The First Step is Talking Frankly

The first step in most cases of rebuilding intimacy after erectile dysfunction is to have a frank, honest discussion.

The discussion doesn’t need to be in bed, right before you’re about to get intimate, or during a big argument. Schedule a time that works for both of you and isn’t rushed.

It’s not about pointing fingers, but I want to make sure your partner knows you are part of this journey.

One possibility for something to say at the start is:

• “This has been difficult, obviously, but I just want to talk about it if you are feeling up to it?”
• “This is not going to drive us apart.”
• “We’ve always been close, and I would like us to be able to find a way to enjoy our intimacy again.”
• “There is no pressure for us to do anything tonight.”

Once people feel that reassuring statements have been made, it often removes much of the stress for a man to hear that his partner is still, in fact, very attracted to him. Erectile dysfunction will not create a gap in a relationship.

Find out What Intimacy really means to you and your partner.

The meaning of intimacy can be reduced to sexual intercourse in long-term relationships. ED can create an opportunity for both partners to redefine intimacy.

Ask one another:

• What makes you feel loved?
• What makes you feel desired?
• What physical contact do you enjoy?
• When do you feel closest to me?

Sometimes the answers are really simple.

One partner may enjoy cuddles. The other partner may feel most intimate while holding hands, or simply having undisturbed time together.

ED intimacy issues can be a great opportunity for partners to realize that a personal and meaningful relationship does not depend on a single sexual encounter.

Stop denying affection because you worry about what comes after.

• Many couples avoid affection altogether due to fear that their kiss or cuddle will be viewed as an advance for sex. “She’ll probably want sex if I kiss her,” his inner voice may say.
• “I’m uncomfortable forcing this onto him,” may be what’s going through her head.
• The outcome…a freeze. Try defining intimacy by explicitly setting expectations at a neutral level. Let your partner know this kiss is just a kiss. The cuddle does not need to mean anything beyond cuddles.

Make space for each other’s emotions.

Not everyone deals with ED in the same way. One may want to talk to their partner about it a great deal-and one may need to retreat more to consider their feelings. One person might feel anxious about the diagnosis while their partner struggles with the embarrassment of it. Sometimes neither of you will know what to say, and that is fine. Instead of assuming what your partner wants/how they’re feeling, ask! Instead of expecting your partner to read your mind, tell them.

What you don’t want to say includes phrases that can lead to additional shame. Such phrases as:

• “Why can’t you relax?” 
• “Are you even attracted to me anymore?” 
• “It’s always happening”
• “What is it with you?” 

Although you might feel this way, making these types of statements to your partner, although out of frustration, is going to make a situation that already feels difficult to navigate only more unpleasant for them. 

This way, you make it more about you as a couple: “We are dealing with this together.”

Turn intimacy into connection, not assessment.

When it comes to recovering after ED, you may be tempted to look for cues that a full erection took place.
However, intimacy can improve even if the experience doesn’t end a certain way.
A successful night of sexual intimacy after ED may have consisted solely of you and your partner feeling close, relaxed, and in love. It may have included a meaningful hug, a kiss that went on and on, or simply being in a situation where you both felt comfortable talking openly about your feelings.
If you think about it more broadly, it takes some pressure off lovemaking.
Instead of thinking of it in terms of: “Did everything work?”, you can frame it as: “Did we feel close?”
This simple shift can alter the entire nature of your sexual experience together.

Continue to date each other.

ED may, to a certain extent, transform the nature of your shared life, turning intimacy itself into a battle against the dysfunction. When intimacy revolves around a central problem, make time for all the other elements that made you fall in love in the first place. Set aside regular date nights, cook each other meals, go for walks, plan a holiday weekend away, rent an old romantic comedy, or try a new shared hobby. When couples begin to enjoy life, ED will eventually become a part of their lives and will stop being a defining factor.

Take it slow and be patient with the process.

Building intimacy again after erectile dysfunction seldom takes place overnight. One day things can seem to be going smoothly, but other days it can be slightly awkward for one or both partners; one intimate encounter can go smoothly, while others bring the old worries flooding back.

That is perfectly fine.

It’s not about making every moment a pleasure, but gradually rebuilding comfort and confidence. Simple steps can add: more openness, more physicality, less pressure around sex, more reassurance, more time together, and greater awareness of your partner’s thoughts/feelings. Over time, these steps can create a sense of two partners working toward a solution instead of two separate people dealing with a problem.

In conclusion

Sexual intimacy can still exist even if you have erectile dysfunction. While ED might change the way you look at intimacy, it shouldn’t steal connection, attraction, and closeness from you, and vice versa. Sometimes, intimacy begins with relieving sexual pressure and communicating openly to re-establish a way to enjoy the experience. Ultimately, your relationship is a partnership; therefore, the issue of erectile dysfunction is not one anyone needs to feel like they have to overcome on their own.
If erectile dysfunction is challenging you, as well as making you feel unsure or hurting the relationship, you and your partner are more than welcome to visit us at Urogen ED Cambridge for a private consultation with one of our caring professionals, where you can involve your partner in a comfortable, confidential conversation regarding your fears.

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